5 Suggestions for Better Listening

Ahhhh!  Balance has been restored.

This is not a nod to any Star Wars moment (which would be cool) but a proclamation that I have created some space to write.  Um...when something "writable" and "sharable" crosses my mind.

I love commercials.  There was a time when commercials where viewed as a necessary evil and an impatiently endured interruption of Gilligan's Island (loved that show-yes, the professor should have simply built a boat).  However, after studying communication in college, I have become a student and somewhat obnoxious critique of the what, how and why of commercial advertisement.  I give most commercials a small window of chance to grab my attention before I move channels quickly or complete a task during the break.  My attention was grabbed recently by a quality commercial (more of a short film) that featured a country classic and too close to home message from values.com.  Before continuing, check it out at http://www.values.com/inspirational-stories-tv-spots/128-Dishes.

Why did that particular commercial make a connection with me?  Confession time. Even though I try, all too often I check, text, reply and/or talk on my phone at the expense of the life and "people" going on around me (Ahhh...that felt good getting off my chest).  At times, I rationalize the need to be so connected.  To be honest, most of the communication could wait until the life and people around me received the first fruits (Bible term for the best we have) of my attention.

Here are some ways I am practicing better listening with my wife, family and friends:

• Leave the phones (and devices) at home.   If I am short period of time with my wife, family or friends, leave your phone at home.  Example, our family often makes a "coke and fries" run in the evening.  The only rule is there are no phones, devices allowed.  It is a good way to force communication and/or shared experience of loud radio-dancing-craziness.  And yes, sometimes such outings are awkward silence sulking.  Even so, commit to times your leave the phones and devices at home!
• Leave the phones (and devices) in the car.  If you are meeting someone for lunch or supper or (fill in the blank), leave your phone in the car!  Be fully present (BTW:  your kids will notice the sacrifice).
• Dude, fight SMA (Social Media Addiction).  So many are losing present, enjoyable and life-changing moments because they have their heads in screens and hands on keys!  You would loved to think it is an adolescent issue in which students are battling in the arena of "likes" and "dislikes" to bolster a sense of self.  However, it has become a humanity issue.  What is a great avenue of international connection (I am actually a fan of social media) has the potential of becoming a preoccupation and often voyeuristic consumer of time.  My advice, enjoy whatever moment you are in deeply and THEN hit your favorite social media outlet. 
• Expect and model focused attention.  When talking with your spouse, family and friends be fully present.  That is, look in the eyes and notice the words, tone and expression of what is being communicated.  Fact, even though your student (or spouse) will claim to be a "multitasker" who is capable of simultaneous live and cyber conversation, they really can't with fully present, honor giving attention.  I am not advocating throwing phones in sinks, but an expectation and modeling of fully present listening and talking is a must for relationship development.
• Ask the hard question.  If you really want to know if you are "too connected" and your listening is suffering as a result, ask your spouse, family and friends what they think and listen to their response.  

What ways are you practicing better communication with your spouse, family and friends?

"Where is Adam?"

"If it wasn't for Eve then..."  You can fill in the blank with any number of answers given by people (primarily men) as to the consequences of Eve's decision to believe the talking snake and eat the forbidden fruit.  Before we jump on the "Blame Eve Bus," a question. Wasn't Adam the one who was given the Code of Garden Conduct by the Lord?  Where was Adam during all this conversation with a snake?

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it." -Genesis 3:6

Did you catch that (it was in bold)? Adam was standing right beside Even and said nothing (yes, I used a second bold for emphasis).  As a man, this verse convicts me.  Are there times I am a silent observer as someone I love barter's with THE snake? Do I remain silent as...

• ...Entertainment choices are made by my family, friends and students?
• ...Gossip spreads between students, adults or coworkers?
• ...Social Media turns a perverse or hurtful corner?
• ...Morality is compromised for social acceptance?
• ...Morality is allowed to be compromised by parents/adults who want to be liked by their students?

I better stop there.  The list can get rather meddlesome for all of us men--right?  

I have recently entered into a study with a great group of my coaching buddies on what it means to be a man of God.  We are going through a study entitled Kingdom Man by Tony Evans (I highly suggest the study).  Here is what Tony writes about the problem of silence among men: 

"The disease of silence still afflicts men today.  Who is speaking about the discipline of children in the home?  Women.  Who are the vocal leaders volunteering for leadership in the church? Women. Who is willing to take a stand against immorality in their families? Women.  There are exceptions, but too many men operate just like Adam.  When it's time to take a stand, they simply have nothing to say."
-Tony Evans, Kingdom Man

Before you get defensive men, think about his words (Read them again).  I can say with authority, as a student minister and seminar presenter for public school, private school and church audiences, women are the major participants in discussions and conferences involving student nurturing, marriage health and parenting. So, where are the men?  They have to work is the logical answer.  However, many of these ministry and seminar moments  take place on weekends.  Perhaps Tony is correct in his conclusion that we operate "just like Adam" too much of the time.

How should men combat the affliction of silence?

Let me start by giving one simple tip on what NOT to do.  Don't compensate silence by yelling!  In other words, authority is established in the validation of words through the witness of a man's walk not increased volume level.  I know (confession time--I struggle in this area) it is difficult to control the volume when you break the silence in an attempt to make a stand for what you believe is right and are challenged.  Still, yelling is not synonymous with authority.

Here is what I believe to be the best FIRST step in breaking the affliction of silence as a man. Spend more time listening than speaking.  Remember the words of James, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"(1:19).  
Don't simply listen to gain understanding of the person and/or situation (this is important) but spend time listening to the Lord as well.  Have you ever noticed how many times the Gospels tell of Jesus "withdrawing into lonely places and praying?"  Jesus did a lot of listening and speaking with the Father before He listened and spoke to others.   A practical follow up would be reading the Gospels and discovering how the Lord used his words when confronting those bartering with THE Snake.  Personally, I do better speaking when following the Lord's example.  It even helps me determine and remain accountable in the level of volume and harshness of words I choose when speaking. 

By NO MEANS am I trying to down play the authority and significance of women in the world, society and/or church culture.  As a matter of fact, women have served heroically in areas men have vacated often leaving trails of pain for others to repair.  The point I am simply trying to make is that it is past time for men to embrace the authority the Lord has placed on them to lead! Our society, families and churches have suffered long enough from the affliction of silence.  

It is time to stop the "If it wasn't for Eve..." conversations and ask the "What if Adam...?" questions.

QUESTION:  What practical advice can you share with men wishing to break the affliction of silence ?(Women, your answers are particularly helpful)

QUICK SET UP INSTRUCTIONS: Information you need before standing in front of your students

QUICK SET UP INSTRUCTIONS are a now common, typically one-page long (with pictures), instruction guide included with new TV's, Computers, Game Consuls and other similar devices.  They are put with the longer, complete instruction manual and designed to provide buyers with the quickest route to product use.  There is certainly a blog topic in why our culture is in such a hurry that we provide such instructions, but that is for another time.   For now, especially if you are about to stand in front of a group of students who are currently arriving at your youth group location, here are a few  Quick Set Up Instructions to keep in mind as you teach:

• Don't Waste the Student's Time.  Yes, have fun and play the silly games, but tell them something about Jesus and the practical impact He can have on their lives. 
• Land the Plane.  Student ministers are great with drawing out and encouraging energy.  However, we are not always skilled about bringing our message to an articulate, "do this" type ending.  Be sure your student's leave with something to do, embrace or accept.
• Have Fun.  Let's face it, not everyone can stand in front of students and speak (or act crazy during an intro activity--anything with Duct Tape is awesome).  You are gifted!  Enjoy the experience.  Your passion and joy will bring increased credibility to your words.
• Use the Bible.  Remember, the power is in the Word of God NOT a cool illustration or video.

Enjoy your time in front of your students.  They are listening (even when you think they are asleep or texting). 

REQUEST:  List a few of your QUICK SET UP INSTRUCTIONS below. 

Why I stopped blogging: Reflections from the last few months of ministry

Yes, it has been a few month's sense my last blog. 
Those who write for a living (or want to) may perhaps think of this break as a career killer or at least a starting over.  I am sure there is some truth to this, but I have a reason for not writing (insert your favorite homework excuse(s) here)--I have placed my energy and time elsewhere.

I have placed my energy and time with the people in my context of ministry.  Missions trips, camps, classes, sermons, counseling, coaching, talking, laughing, crying, mentoring and walking with people through all the ups and downs of life has taken up a large portion of my day(s).  Without detail, it has been a particularly heavy season of ministry and my time and energy have been placed with the flock the Lord has entrusted me to minister with and to.  I can say, it has been and continues to be an honor, blessing and joy to minister in this challenging season.   So, when faced with giving my attention to a blog for the masses or the life of a student, parent or adult in my ministry, I chose the people in my immediate context.  Why am I sharing this?  I have been reminded of an important student ministry concept that I have taught and attempted to live by (maybe in my 40's I am finally getting it)  for many years now--People over Programs!  If you place people above your personal and even church programs, you and your ministry will be blessed.  So, if you have been in student ministry for a while and need a reminder or just entered our corp, always place ministry to people as first priority.  It is so simple and makes sense, but easy to forget in the "busyness" of programming.

I have placed my energy and time with my family.  When going through "heavy seasons" of ministry, it is crucial that you find energy and time for your spouse and kids (BTW: if you are single, you still need to give the same attention to your "family" of close friends).  Time spent with family restores your own giving source and let's your family know they are and will always be your first ministry priority.  So, when faced with the decision of taking the energy and time to blog or running to McDonald's with the wife and kids, family wins.  Again, why share?  I have had to say to myself, on more than one occasion, this simple yet powerful phrase that helps me take needed breaks on those "still a lot left to do" days in ministry, live life for the people who will be around your bed when you die. The phrase is derived from a combination of scripture and church father sources and comes in handy when needing to pull away and rest a bit.  Student minister, there is never an end to ministry activity--always something to do.  That is the excitement and the curse, if not managed, of our calling to work with students and families.  So, consider often those who will be around your bed when you die, it is a rather small, but important list of people.

I have placed my energy and time with my Lord and resting.  You would think this is a given, but it is a principle of balance often overlooked by busy minister's.  In short, if the Lord needed time away from people and alone with His Father, why should we be any different?  Oh, remember when Elijah was running for his life from Jezebel?  When he ran to the Mountain of the Lord, one of the first things he was told to do was rest.

So, these are my excuses.  I don't mind taking a late grade for my work on this blog--it was worth it.

QUESTION:  What do you do to remain balanced and "full" during particularly heavy seasons of ministry? 

A Short Blog: Chillin' with the MS Worship Band

Here is a picture of John Spengler (a big deal and our Student MinistryWorship Leader--check him out @johnwspengler--he plays for big time bands and Food Trucks.  In other words, he is a big deal and has a ministry heart) and me listening in on our MS Band rehearsal.

As we walked in a young lady was singing.  We looked at each other (sorta like this photo) and said, "This girl is awesome!"  As is the custom of most MS Girls, the raw talent was there but at times she seemed unsure and hesitant in the delivery (again, she has a lot of natural ability).  

So...when the song was over...we interrupted and said, "That was awesome!"  Yes, the compliment meant much more coming from THE John Spengler than Dr. Fraze but the impact was the same--She was encouraged!  

So...short reminder...be generous with the compliments.  These mean a whole lot to a student.  Oh, be sure to compliment students anytime you see something good "off-stage" as well.  You know, a use of manners, sharing, serving, kindness to others, etc.   Compliments, apart from those from a performance, have an even more powerful impact in a student's life.  

Count the Conversations and Water Ball Matches!

Wow!  It has been almost two months since the last post on CatchFraze.
Why?
It is Summer Season and the Fraze family has been hoppin' around camps and mission trips experiencing all the greatness that is student ministry.  In one word, it has been awesome!
Part of the Summer Season is reporting back to the home base, church leadership, the numbers (don't be cynical, it is a needed stewardship component of ministry).  Numbers typically involve counting participants (adult and student), those served, those saved, those making decisions of some sort and...um...all that budget stuff.  Again, all great things to know in order to effectively make future programmatic determination.  However, there are numbers that are often overlooked that I want to encourage you to count and tell stories about.
If you have been in student ministry for any length of time you have discovered a truth.  If you are new at this, here it is:  Students are influenced more and remember time spent with you, other adults and students more than they are influenced and remember the lesson, activity or destination. This does not mean we throw away all programming and get sloppy in trip preparation and lesson delivery.  It does mean that we learn to include other "countable" items in our numbers.  For instance (just a few here):

• How many deep conversations about life (I am not going to quantify deep here--you will know if you had one) did you have with students?  
• How much time did you spend playing games with students? Water ball is pictured below and it is one of my favorites (it is called various things in different pools but the point is the same--wrestle a ball into a goal and dunk everyone around you).  It is a favorite because the experience provides a platform for trust to be developed so that students feel comfortable talking with you about that deep stuff mention above.  A simple game of cards or making a craft with a student can provide the same platform. 

Counting these type of numbers and asking your adult leaders to tell stories connected with these numbers is powerful!  Such stories really let you know if your programming methods are effective. I know, I know..."David, we had a bazillion decisions to follow Christ at (name your favorite event)."  Again, important number to count, but don't forget to count the other numbers as well.  You may be surprised at the insight and long-term impact they will have on your student ministry.  

One more thing, it doesn't hurt that such numbers and connected stories strengthen your leadership role with both students and adults.  Oh, your senior pastor will really like the stories as well (just sayin'). 

Question:  Do you have any great stories to tell from deep conversations with students this summer? (Remember, confidentiality is a must so change the names)

"We are only to the H's?": Turning a graduation ceremony into a prayer opportunity

"We are only to the H's?" is a thought that has hit me more than once in the middle of a HS graduation ceremony.  Don't get me wrong, after 21 years of student ministry, I really do love attending graduations and supporting students and families.  And, as a people watcher, there are lots of people to watch at these things (graduations can provide extra-special sociological experiences).  Still, in the middle of the H's, the "is this almost over" feeling can creep in on a guy.

Here is a way to beat that "We are only to the H's" feeling at graduation--PRAY!  Think about it.  You are listening to every name of every graduating senior of that High School.  Why not pray for every name being announced?  At larger schools you have to pray fast before the next name is announced, but ask the Father to bless the student's faith, future and family (three F's should be easy to remember).  Who knows, the Lord may use you for a Divine Appointment in one of those lives someday!  

Enjoy Graduation, the people watching and the prayer time!