Are Inmates Running the Prison?

"The inmates are running the prison!"

I am not sure who first used the above statement, but many, including Robert De Niro, have used the phrase to describe their world.  Check this out:

"I think Hollywood has a class system.  The actors are like the inmates, but the truth is they're running the asylum."-Robert De Niro

De Niro's use of the phrase has no importance to this blog post but couldn't resist the temptation to quote the actor. I have personally used the sentence in training those who work with (or live with) students. 

You learned the two greatest thing in life, never rat on your friends, and always keep your mouth shut.

Robert De Niro

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/robert_de_niro.html#D6LP9mHbem3m7f9P.99

I think Hollywood has a class system. The actors are like the inmates, but the truth is they're running the asylum.

Robert De Niro

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/asylum.html#wdIi7SykgkfpGIFK.99

I think Hollywood has a class system. The actors are like the inmates, but the truth is they're running the asylum.

Robert De Niro

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/asylum.html#wdIi7SykgkfpGIFK.99

I think Hollywood has a class system. The actors are like the inmates, but the truth is they're running the asylum.

Robert De Niro

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/asylum.html#wdIi7SykgkfpGIFK.99

I think Hollywood has a class system. The actors are like the inmates, but the truth is they're running the asylum.

Robert De Niro

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/asylum.html#D0DP4e0wQQzXz9Tr.99

I think Hollywood has a class system. The actors are like the inmates, but the truth is they're running the asylum.

Robert De Niro

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/asylum.html#wdIi7SykgkfpGIFK.I have personally used this statement in training those who work with (or live with) students.  

Before unpacking the importance of this statement and it's relationship to students, let me start with a disclaimer and clarification.  I am not saying, nor does this statement imply, that students be kept under "prison like" lock and key environments (read my March 5, 2014 blog post on this).  The descriptive statement is used, in my context, as a metaphor.  A metaphor of what happens when expectations and rules of conduct are not clearly set or enforced by the adults entrusted to set and enforce said expectations and conduct.  It is an awesome metaphor to employ. Consider what would happen if prison inmates had no expectations or rules to follow.   What would happen if inmates discovered no punishment would be received if expectations and rules were broken or refused to be followed?  Chaos is the first word that comes to my mind. 

Excluding basic social expectations and rules of decency (I admit these are not at all clear and can not be presumed "known" in today's culture--a topic for another time), I acknowledge prison rules can fluctuate between various contexts.  Even so, it is imperative that families, schools, youth ministries and all other organizations in which adults are entrusted to set and enforce expectations take their responsibility seriously.  Why?  Chaos fills the void where expectations and rules of conduct are not clearly set or enforced!  Chaotic environments destroy the feeling of safety and security students need in order to develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  Inmates can not be allowed to run the prison!

Here are a few ways adults allow students to run the prison (A few may surprise you and are listed in no particular order).  Oh, if you don't mind, I am going to list them Jeff Foxworthy style.

...you may be an Adult who gives your student the keys to the prison.

IF your first move after seeing your student's report card is to call the school and blame the teacher...
IF your student is allowed to break certain youth trip rules because you are sponsoring the trip...
IF your student is allowed to break certain "team" rules (fill in blank with your favorite band, drama, football, baseball, softball, etc. team) because you don't agree with them...
IF your first move after seeing your student not participating in (fill in the blank with your favorite band, drama, football, baseball, softball, etc. activity) at the level you feel they deserve is to pitch a fit with other parents, other players and/or school officials...
IF your student is not allowed to "fail" a class, activity, sport, project, etc. because (fill in the blank with your favorite excuse that has little or nothing to do with your student's actual effort and ability)...
IF you rescue your student from the consequences of their poor choices...
IF you allow your student to disrespect other adults and students...
IF you keep a separate set of expectations and rules of conduct for your "favorite-core" youth group students and call it leadership development/mentoring...
IF you are afraid to discipline because it may hurt your students feelings...

You may have found yourself in at least one of the above statements--I did (that's why I stopped writing). 

Adults, I believe it is a cultural imperative that we commit ourselves to the clear communication and enforcement of the expectations and rules of conduct that we set for students and support those others set for students.  We must, "Take back the keys!" Truth be told, our student's, no matter what they tell you, did not want them in the first place!

3 Purposes of Youth Ministry

 "You get paid for going on vacation's with teenagers?"

"I wish I could have a job where I could go to the mountains for a week each summer?"

"You do 'that' for a job?"

"When are you going to get your 'own' church?" (Translation:  When are you going to "grow up" or become a "senior" minister?)

With 25 years of Youth Ministry under my belt, I have heard a lot of strange comments from people who do not totally understand what I do.

Let me insert an important note here, I have personally NEVER worked for a church that did not honor, respect and hold in high regard the role of student ministry and ministers (I realize I am very blessed).  Most of the above statements come from those outside my church context and/or individuals I cross path's with at various speaking engagements.

From the outside, it may be difficult at times to see the theological trajectory and pedagogy (I thought it would be fun to use big words) of paint ball, mud volleyball, messy games and amusement park programing of student ministers.  Therefore, I am going to share the three reasons student ministers do what they do for the Church and serve a crucial function in the Kingdom's advance in the world.  The big "three" are not totally original to me or any one person.  My awareness and dedication to them have primarily come through witnessing the interplay of the three in my youth ministry heroes lives and intense theological reflection (for fear of leaving someone out, there are too many heroes to attempt to mention.  Even so, my youth minister, Philip Nichols, modeled the three perfectly and still impacts my life today.  Mike Yaconelli and Chap Clark solidified the theological place of the three in my ministry).  So... senior pastor, minister, church leader, parent, student or church "curmudgeon,"  here are the three.

The purpose of Youth Ministry is to...

...assist families and adults in bringing students into the presence of Jesus Christ. This great commission task  (Which has a secondary focus as well--see below) should dwell in the core of all believers and certainly ministers.  The role of youth ministry is NOT to keep students busy, entertained, happy and out of the way of big church activity. Our role is to serve as missionaries that present the never-changing truth of the gospel in an ever-changing adolescent culture (that is why some of the methods or communication can seem a bit "off the wall" at times).  In many of today's youth ministry contexts, one of the most important jobs of the youth minister is to raise up an army of caring adults to share the gospel because there is not a stable family environment present in a student's life. 

...assist families and adults in educating students for life and eternity.
This is the second "teaching them to observe..." part of the great commission task.  You may have noticed, most youth minister's do not back down from talking or starting a conversation about  uncomfortable topics.  Why?  Because youth ministers, as cultural missionaries, know students are asking, will ask or about to ask difficult questions of faith and life application.  Sticky Faith research has shown that student's who express and explore doubt during their adolescent years have a better chance of "sticking" to the Christian faith after high school graduation (The Fuller Youth Institute has just released a great resource for working though difficult questions with students. Check out Can I Ask That?).  Youth ministry should be proactive and not reactive in educating students and assisting families/adults in educating students (btw: a proactive education program takes intentional theological and need assessment reflection).  It is my belief that it is a sin to bore students (or adults for that matter) when presenting and applying the Word of God.  So, youth ministers will look for creative ways to educate students and families/adults with the facts of and practical application of biblical truths (again, that is why teaching moments are often more than creative lecture and "off the wall").  I acknowledge that much more can, should and is constantly be discussed concerning the how and what of education and youth ministry. The point being made here is that youth minister's have a key roll of assisting in and educating student's for life and eternity.

...assimilate students into the overall community of faith.
For years, even in the most supportive youth ministry environments, the "official" task of youth ministry concluded with the graduation of the student from High School.  However, with churches moving to more of a holistic view of ministry, this third task of youth ministry has risen in importance. In other words, church leaders are beginning to acknowledge the ill effects that silo-ed youth ministry programming is having on our students and church communities. There are  "successful" youth ministries (number of participants being used as the marker) that fulfill the first two purposes of student ministry with excellence and effectiveness.  However, after graduating, what kind of connection do these students have with their overall church community? Some of these students have rarely been in a worship service with other adult believers or even heard a steady dose of preaching from their senior pastor!  My intention is not to throw rocks but shed light on the importance of this third purpose for youth ministry. It is my opinion that senior pastors, ministers and leaders have to constantly ask longitudinal and assimilating questions of their ministers and ministries.  Such questioning leads to systemic change in the silo-ed ministry programming mentality and replaces it with a holistic programming model in which all ministries work together in the spiritual formation of students (youth ministry "assists"is a word used in the discussion of the first two purposes of student ministry.  This word is intentional and highlights the responsibility shared by the entire community of faith).  While youth ministers, with humility, can suggest the process, Senior pastors, ministers and leaders, ministers  need to be the  originators of the longitudinal and assimilating questioning of ministries.  Why?  Without senior leadership level buy in, the third purpose of student ministry is very difficult if not impossible to accomplish. 
 
Certainly, youth minister's will continue to hear "you do 'that' for a job?" type of statements.
Even so, now you know the simple, high calling of Youth Ministers.

Sorry I have to run.

I have to go camping with a bunch of 8th graders (no, it is not vacation).

Caged Babies and Playground Interaction: A Word to the Overprotective

I was taking my daily walk through the once populated now abandoned by adolescent cyber- playground due to adult infestation (Facebook) and came across a link to one of those "Crazy Picture" websites.  I find it hard to avoid these types of links.  While providing humorous material for youth talks, a good picture can also create wonderful opportunities for conversation.  Today's picture discovery was quickly followed by a "come and see this picture" shout to surrounding offices (yes, we have an intercom system but shouting is a lot more dramatic).  Ladies and Gentlemen, the picture.

The caption informed viewers this ca. 1937 picture is of an invention designed to give apartment dwellers a way for their babies to get "fresh air." What?  Certainly a display of American ingenuity, but frightening all the same (Why did the media give Michael Jackson a hard time when he showed the world his baby again? Sorry-I could not resist).  After the initial shock and humor, the conversation and reflection drifted to a deep place.  Perhaps the picture could be viewed as a metaphor of how adults often interact with today's teenage population.  As a parent, youth worker, coach and frequent "hanger-outer" with students the connection is personal, professional, glaring and simple to make.  Certainly from a pure motivation to shelter and protect, adults may place students in cages that offer the appearance of security and safety but can lead to opposite outcomes.

Consider the contraption holding this hefty lad.  Over time, the elements and time will weaken the structure making it unsafe to occupy. What happens then?  You buy a new structure and/or reinforce the existing structure?  What happens when the baby is no longer a baby?  Do you build bigger structures?   Eventually, instead of looking at the playground from a lofty height, the child will be taken to the park, given appropriate boundaries and eventually, over time, "earn" freedom from a caged existence through the dance of negotiation and consequence giving.  The dance from cage to freedom is different for every student, parent/guardian relationship.  Even so, it is a dance that must take place.  Why?  The greatest of cages, constructed from the most noble of intent, can not hold our students forever.  Christian Smith with others have studied students and emerging adults (18-25 year olds) for well over a decade.  Their research indicates that students raised in environments where most moral decisions are made for them (i.e they live in incredibly protective cages) actually DO NOT fair well morally when leaving home (cage) for the first time (see Souls In Transition and Lost in Transition).  They do not know how to play in the park without getting hurt.

So, to answer the question, do you build bigger cages when your baby is no longer a baby?  No!  You teach them how to interact on the playground.  Again, as a parent, youth worker, coach and frequent "hanger-outer" with students, I totally understand cage building (I have built some pretty good ones).  Even so, our job as adults in the life of students is to join them in the dance of negotiation and consequences so they will be able to fully function in the world outside the cage.

This would be a great place to insert a list of Best Out of the Cage Practices, but not today.  Instead, as we reflect on the picture, let's ask ourselves these questions:

• What cages are you building around your student(s) that are hindering playground interaction development?
• Would your student(s) survive on the playground? Why or Why not?

5 Suggestions for Better Listening

Ahhhh!  Balance has been restored.

This is not a nod to any Star Wars moment (which would be cool) but a proclamation that I have created some space to write.  Um...when something "writable" and "sharable" crosses my mind.

I love commercials.  There was a time when commercials where viewed as a necessary evil and an impatiently endured interruption of Gilligan's Island (loved that show-yes, the professor should have simply built a boat).  However, after studying communication in college, I have become a student and somewhat obnoxious critique of the what, how and why of commercial advertisement.  I give most commercials a small window of chance to grab my attention before I move channels quickly or complete a task during the break.  My attention was grabbed recently by a quality commercial (more of a short film) that featured a country classic and too close to home message from values.com.  Before continuing, check it out at http://www.values.com/inspirational-stories-tv-spots/128-Dishes.

Why did that particular commercial make a connection with me?  Confession time. Even though I try, all too often I check, text, reply and/or talk on my phone at the expense of the life and "people" going on around me (Ahhh...that felt good getting off my chest).  At times, I rationalize the need to be so connected.  To be honest, most of the communication could wait until the life and people around me received the first fruits (Bible term for the best we have) of my attention.

Here are some ways I am practicing better listening with my wife, family and friends:

• Leave the phones (and devices) at home.   If I am short period of time with my wife, family or friends, leave your phone at home.  Example, our family often makes a "coke and fries" run in the evening.  The only rule is there are no phones, devices allowed.  It is a good way to force communication and/or shared experience of loud radio-dancing-craziness.  And yes, sometimes such outings are awkward silence sulking.  Even so, commit to times your leave the phones and devices at home!
• Leave the phones (and devices) in the car.  If you are meeting someone for lunch or supper or (fill in the blank), leave your phone in the car!  Be fully present (BTW:  your kids will notice the sacrifice).
• Dude, fight SMA (Social Media Addiction).  So many are losing present, enjoyable and life-changing moments because they have their heads in screens and hands on keys!  You would loved to think it is an adolescent issue in which students are battling in the arena of "likes" and "dislikes" to bolster a sense of self.  However, it has become a humanity issue.  What is a great avenue of international connection (I am actually a fan of social media) has the potential of becoming a preoccupation and often voyeuristic consumer of time.  My advice, enjoy whatever moment you are in deeply and THEN hit your favorite social media outlet. 
• Expect and model focused attention.  When talking with your spouse, family and friends be fully present.  That is, look in the eyes and notice the words, tone and expression of what is being communicated.  Fact, even though your student (or spouse) will claim to be a "multitasker" who is capable of simultaneous live and cyber conversation, they really can't with fully present, honor giving attention.  I am not advocating throwing phones in sinks, but an expectation and modeling of fully present listening and talking is a must for relationship development.
• Ask the hard question.  If you really want to know if you are "too connected" and your listening is suffering as a result, ask your spouse, family and friends what they think and listen to their response.  

What ways are you practicing better communication with your spouse, family and friends?

"Where is Adam?"

"If it wasn't for Eve then..."  You can fill in the blank with any number of answers given by people (primarily men) as to the consequences of Eve's decision to believe the talking snake and eat the forbidden fruit.  Before we jump on the "Blame Eve Bus," a question. Wasn't Adam the one who was given the Code of Garden Conduct by the Lord?  Where was Adam during all this conversation with a snake?

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it." -Genesis 3:6

Did you catch that (it was in bold)? Adam was standing right beside Even and said nothing (yes, I used a second bold for emphasis).  As a man, this verse convicts me.  Are there times I am a silent observer as someone I love barter's with THE snake? Do I remain silent as...

• ...Entertainment choices are made by my family, friends and students?
• ...Gossip spreads between students, adults or coworkers?
• ...Social Media turns a perverse or hurtful corner?
• ...Morality is compromised for social acceptance?
• ...Morality is allowed to be compromised by parents/adults who want to be liked by their students?

I better stop there.  The list can get rather meddlesome for all of us men--right?  

I have recently entered into a study with a great group of my coaching buddies on what it means to be a man of God.  We are going through a study entitled Kingdom Man by Tony Evans (I highly suggest the study).  Here is what Tony writes about the problem of silence among men: 

"The disease of silence still afflicts men today.  Who is speaking about the discipline of children in the home?  Women.  Who are the vocal leaders volunteering for leadership in the church? Women. Who is willing to take a stand against immorality in their families? Women.  There are exceptions, but too many men operate just like Adam.  When it's time to take a stand, they simply have nothing to say."
-Tony Evans, Kingdom Man

Before you get defensive men, think about his words (Read them again).  I can say with authority, as a student minister and seminar presenter for public school, private school and church audiences, women are the major participants in discussions and conferences involving student nurturing, marriage health and parenting. So, where are the men?  They have to work is the logical answer.  However, many of these ministry and seminar moments  take place on weekends.  Perhaps Tony is correct in his conclusion that we operate "just like Adam" too much of the time.

How should men combat the affliction of silence?

Let me start by giving one simple tip on what NOT to do.  Don't compensate silence by yelling!  In other words, authority is established in the validation of words through the witness of a man's walk not increased volume level.  I know (confession time--I struggle in this area) it is difficult to control the volume when you break the silence in an attempt to make a stand for what you believe is right and are challenged.  Still, yelling is not synonymous with authority.

Here is what I believe to be the best FIRST step in breaking the affliction of silence as a man. Spend more time listening than speaking.  Remember the words of James, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"(1:19).  
Don't simply listen to gain understanding of the person and/or situation (this is important) but spend time listening to the Lord as well.  Have you ever noticed how many times the Gospels tell of Jesus "withdrawing into lonely places and praying?"  Jesus did a lot of listening and speaking with the Father before He listened and spoke to others.   A practical follow up would be reading the Gospels and discovering how the Lord used his words when confronting those bartering with THE Snake.  Personally, I do better speaking when following the Lord's example.  It even helps me determine and remain accountable in the level of volume and harshness of words I choose when speaking. 

By NO MEANS am I trying to down play the authority and significance of women in the world, society and/or church culture.  As a matter of fact, women have served heroically in areas men have vacated often leaving trails of pain for others to repair.  The point I am simply trying to make is that it is past time for men to embrace the authority the Lord has placed on them to lead! Our society, families and churches have suffered long enough from the affliction of silence.  

It is time to stop the "If it wasn't for Eve..." conversations and ask the "What if Adam...?" questions.

QUESTION:  What practical advice can you share with men wishing to break the affliction of silence ?(Women, your answers are particularly helpful)

QUICK SET UP INSTRUCTIONS: Information you need before standing in front of your students

QUICK SET UP INSTRUCTIONS are a now common, typically one-page long (with pictures), instruction guide included with new TV's, Computers, Game Consuls and other similar devices.  They are put with the longer, complete instruction manual and designed to provide buyers with the quickest route to product use.  There is certainly a blog topic in why our culture is in such a hurry that we provide such instructions, but that is for another time.   For now, especially if you are about to stand in front of a group of students who are currently arriving at your youth group location, here are a few  Quick Set Up Instructions to keep in mind as you teach:

• Don't Waste the Student's Time.  Yes, have fun and play the silly games, but tell them something about Jesus and the practical impact He can have on their lives. 
• Land the Plane.  Student ministers are great with drawing out and encouraging energy.  However, we are not always skilled about bringing our message to an articulate, "do this" type ending.  Be sure your student's leave with something to do, embrace or accept.
• Have Fun.  Let's face it, not everyone can stand in front of students and speak (or act crazy during an intro activity--anything with Duct Tape is awesome).  You are gifted!  Enjoy the experience.  Your passion and joy will bring increased credibility to your words.
• Use the Bible.  Remember, the power is in the Word of God NOT a cool illustration or video.

Enjoy your time in front of your students.  They are listening (even when you think they are asleep or texting). 

REQUEST:  List a few of your QUICK SET UP INSTRUCTIONS below. 

Why I stopped blogging: Reflections from the last few months of ministry

Yes, it has been a few month's sense my last blog. 
Those who write for a living (or want to) may perhaps think of this break as a career killer or at least a starting over.  I am sure there is some truth to this, but I have a reason for not writing (insert your favorite homework excuse(s) here)--I have placed my energy and time elsewhere.

I have placed my energy and time with the people in my context of ministry.  Missions trips, camps, classes, sermons, counseling, coaching, talking, laughing, crying, mentoring and walking with people through all the ups and downs of life has taken up a large portion of my day(s).  Without detail, it has been a particularly heavy season of ministry and my time and energy have been placed with the flock the Lord has entrusted me to minister with and to.  I can say, it has been and continues to be an honor, blessing and joy to minister in this challenging season.   So, when faced with giving my attention to a blog for the masses or the life of a student, parent or adult in my ministry, I chose the people in my immediate context.  Why am I sharing this?  I have been reminded of an important student ministry concept that I have taught and attempted to live by (maybe in my 40's I am finally getting it)  for many years now--People over Programs!  If you place people above your personal and even church programs, you and your ministry will be blessed.  So, if you have been in student ministry for a while and need a reminder or just entered our corp, always place ministry to people as first priority.  It is so simple and makes sense, but easy to forget in the "busyness" of programming.

I have placed my energy and time with my family.  When going through "heavy seasons" of ministry, it is crucial that you find energy and time for your spouse and kids (BTW: if you are single, you still need to give the same attention to your "family" of close friends).  Time spent with family restores your own giving source and let's your family know they are and will always be your first ministry priority.  So, when faced with the decision of taking the energy and time to blog or running to McDonald's with the wife and kids, family wins.  Again, why share?  I have had to say to myself, on more than one occasion, this simple yet powerful phrase that helps me take needed breaks on those "still a lot left to do" days in ministry, live life for the people who will be around your bed when you die. The phrase is derived from a combination of scripture and church father sources and comes in handy when needing to pull away and rest a bit.  Student minister, there is never an end to ministry activity--always something to do.  That is the excitement and the curse, if not managed, of our calling to work with students and families.  So, consider often those who will be around your bed when you die, it is a rather small, but important list of people.

I have placed my energy and time with my Lord and resting.  You would think this is a given, but it is a principle of balance often overlooked by busy minister's.  In short, if the Lord needed time away from people and alone with His Father, why should we be any different?  Oh, remember when Elijah was running for his life from Jezebel?  When he ran to the Mountain of the Lord, one of the first things he was told to do was rest.

So, these are my excuses.  I don't mind taking a late grade for my work on this blog--it was worth it.

QUESTION:  What do you do to remain balanced and "full" during particularly heavy seasons of ministry?