Cut the Shoot

It is time to share another video (I know...cheep blogging material, but I had to share)!

Tripp and Tyler are a well known (in Christian circles) sketch comedy duo (www.trippandtyler.tv).  Their material is fun to watch and often contains a gotcha message Jesus followers need (may not want) to hear.  This is one of those videos.

 (If it does not play, the link is Shoot Christians Say)

Whats the point?  Could it be that our language keeps us from communicating a clear message to the world ("christian" and otherwise) we are trying to impact with the message of Jesus?  Yes.

I love talking with those who are easy to read and communicate their feelings without the churchy qualifiers.  I find that type of communication authentic and reflective of many of the psalms that state raw, unfiltered truths about life and the experience of living in a fallen world.  That type of honest communication also allows for a deeper, more relevant discussion of faith.

Here are a few suggestions for dropping the Shoot Christians Say:

• Don't defend. There are times shoot is shared because we feel like God is being attacked by someone we are talking to and we do not have an answer for their complaint.  Remember, it is alright to say nothing or...get ready..."I don't know" when God (or you) is being attacked. 
• Don't deflect. There are times shoot is shared when we feel cornered by someone asking about (sometimes prying) our personal life and/or walk (used in the most authentic sense here) with Christ.  Yes, it is not responsible or recommended that you open up to everyone who asks you questions. However, there SHOULD BE someone in your life with a high level of clearance and openness is a given.
• Don't destroy. There are times shoot is shared because we want to gossip about the evil in someone's life but we have no intention on talking with that person directly.  In short, don't talk about someone if you do not have the intention of directly visiting and/or finding help (that you are directly involved with) for that person. 
• Don't discombobulate (sorry, I wanted a "d-word" for confuse).  It is easy to confuse the simple message of Jesus with a myriad of marketing angles. If you do not believe this, next time you are driving down the road, read all of the signs wanting you to come to their church. I am not against marketing!  I am against anything that discombobulates (confuses) the simple message of Jesus.  Oh, often more confusing than a billboard is the "insider" language we speak to each other about our programs and events. 

The world has enough conflicting and confusing messages floating around about Christ and His people.  Let's do our part to end the conflict and confusion by cutting the shoot.

Don't Get Worked!

I come across all types of messages, pictures and conversations while perusing (I have been waiting to use this cool word) social media sites.  The picture below is a dandy and highlights a way too common failure in parenting.

Staged?  Certainly (at least I hope so).

Exaggerated?  Certainly (at least I hope so).

Truth?  Certainly (I know so).

Kids of any age, especially teenagers, will look for ways to get what they want.  They will ask one parent and then ask the other if the answer they receive from the first is not the answer they wanted (read that sentence again).  While every home experiences this common kid/student practice, homes that are blended, single-parent, separated, grandparent and/or adult guardian led can be particularly subject to being "worked" by the students in their care. 

If you are reading this and are the parent/guardian who trumps the other parent/guardian with the "yes," this is a problem.  You are not being cool, better and/or more understanding.  You are causing damage to your student's future understanding of how the real world works and actually hurting your kid.  Oh, and you are being "worked."

If you are reading this and are the parent/guardian who is being trumped by the other parent/guardian, you have a part in this "working" as well.  Is there a reason you are being trumped?  Are you allowing for dialogue with your other parent/guardian or does everything have to be done your way?  This too causes damage and impacting your student's understanding of how the real world works.

So...how can parents/guardians prevent being successfully "worked" by their kids? Here are a few suggestions:

• Check with the other parent/guardian.  It can be as easy as a phone call or text.  When asked by your student to do, buy, go, etc. something, take a moment to check with the other parent/guardian.  If there is disagreement, tell your student you will give them an answer later.  It is okay for your kid to wait for an answer.  You are the one in charge.
• Talk with the other parent/guardian before a question is given.  What are your feelings on dress, parties, music, movies, friends, etc.?  Talk about your values concerning each of these topics before your kid asks to do, buy, go, etc.
• Respect and support the opinion of the other parent/guardian.  In other words, if a student says, "Can I go...?" and you ask, "What did your mother say?"  Support your spouse/guardian.  Be on the same page. This is a particularly difficult thing to do if you are in a divorced, separated or single parent situation.  Still, it is important that both father and mother have a civil and productive conversation on what is best (yes, this can be subjective) for the student(s) you have a responsibility.  If respect and support are difficult, find a counselor or trusted adult that can mediate a civil and productive conversation so that both parents/guardians can be on the same page.

While being "worked" is a natural hazard of parenting a student, a little "work" by parents/guardians before goes a long way.

I Hate to Bust your Bubble

"...for there were many who followed him."

What "type" of people followed Jesus?

Religious? Sometimes.

Rich?  Sometimes.

Famous?  Sometimes.

Disciples? Of Course.

"...tax collectors and sinners..."? YES!

The quotation marks come from Mark 2:15.  Perhaps it is one of those verses we read too quickly because it is sandwiched between the calling of Levi and another controversy with the Pharisees.  However, it contains and incredible truth about Jesus; the Jesus I am suppose to walk through the world like He walked through the world.  Consider the entire verse:

While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him.

I highlighted the word that really jumps out at me-many.   The fact that many tax collectors (some of the most despised and subsequently marginalized people in Jesus' day) and sinners (no explanation necessary) followed Jesus may not seem like an earth shattering truth.  But in light of the whole "walk through the world like Jesus walked through the world" thought (Discipleship), it is huge and begs a few questions!   

How many tax collectors and sinners follow me?  

How many tax collectors and sinners do I know or spend time getting to know? 

After 26 plus years of student ministry (yes, I am "seasoned"), I remember one of the goals of youth ministry was keeping our teenagers away from and creating Christian sub-culture(s) that competed with and prevented contact with all those tax collectors and sinners.  Despite our best efforts, students still walked away from the Church (and continue to do so) when their Christian sub-culture(s) where punctured by the world and they did not have the ability to breath faith outside the bubble(s).  Yes, I admit, that last sentence reduces a multifaceted faith development problem to a single statement, but it highlights the failure of Christian isolationism to disciple our children.   

Related, how many times has a church's main tax collectors and sinners conversion strategy involved calling to them from within our highly decorated, competing, programmed and advertised bubble(s)? I have been involved in many of these type of events and really enjoyed the experiences.  However, very few tax collectors and sinners actually attended many of these events. 

Here are a couple of suggestions I believe can be made in light of these ministry experiences and 31 years of attempting to walk through the world as Jesus walked through the world:

• One, a student's spiritual formation (Discipleship) must include instruction and experience on how to live among, thrive alongside and draw tax collectors and sinners from outside the "Bubble."  
• Two, while I am not against highly decorated, competing, programmed and advertised invitation to "bubble" events (concerts, plays, conferences, worship services, movies, etc.), tax collectors and sinners will come to know Jesus (and more often attend these types of events) because a Jesus follower they know from outside the bubble invited them to attend. It may be painful to hear, but excluding the Billy Graham, Andy Stanley, Max Lucado type figures, a real-outside the bubble livin'-tax collector-sinner has little knowledge of all the "famous" Jesus presenters.  However, they have great knowledge of and watch those they know are Jesus followers.

So, with these thoughts in mind...

How many tax collectors and sinners follow you?  

How many tax collectors and sinners do you know or spend time getting to know? 

Auto-Correct Humanity

My dear friend Cindi Schrimsher (who loves her social media) shared this video with several of us last week.  The video speaks for itself and helps create dialogue on the use, misuse and overuse of technology in today's world.  If not careful, we will lose more than we know.

I told you.

Enjoy the dialogue...I am going to turn off my computer now.

Rules for Revolution

I receive a lot of forwards and Cc-s in my inbox.  Typically, they are rushed into the trash bin.  However, there are a few forwards and Cc-s I rush to read.  This is one of those.  

In no way am I attempting to make a political statement or liken any political party's agenda with Communism.   I am sharing the following newspaper clipping from 1919 (via 1970-1975) to help all of us evaluate our 2014.  

 

Feel free to make and/or share your own observations.  I suggest reading the article through the various lenses of faith and family.  NOTE:  Even though a rich conversation starter on current political topics, I do not welcome political observations on this blog sight and/or Facebook.  

I do invite you to share observations as they relate to faith and family.  

I do encourage you to use these "Rules" as a discussion starter with Adults and Students. 

Lecture Little-Listen Lots

  

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
- James (1:19)

What a great verse for all of us who parent or work with teenagers.  A difficult verse-but great!

Why is it difficult?

Because, like the adults who came before us, I believe I have something to say that is filled with wisdom and needs to be heard.  I no longer need to listen.  I need to engage.  

Did you catch it?  The word "I" was used 4 times in the last few sentences!   A moment of transparency-isn't this what gets most of us parents and adults into communication trouble with teenagers?  It is more about assuring that our words are heard than listening to theirs.  Pause and consider that last sentence again. 

I am not advocating a release of parental/adult authority.  I am suggesting that more listening actually enforces and/or regains authority and lowers the anger level (it is what the Bible says).  Here are a few better listening and talking (lecturing) suggestions:

• Ask Questions.  Let me start by saying this step may lead to a high frustration level rather quickly (when a student answers a question with "I don't know" or "Whatever"-you may need to read the ONE of My Parenting Flaws post again).  Still, ask leading questions of students. Questions that invite them to express their opinions, thoughts, perspective or defense first.  Questions like...
• Why would I have received an email from your teacher?
• What happened that your were late coming home last night?
• Did you know(name of friend)'s mom called me yesterday? 
• (After emotions settle) What got you so upset this morning?            

          ...provide a student with a first response opportunity.

• Let students finish their answer before you respond.  Responses naturally lead to follow up questions and need for further clarification.  Before you make a follow up move, be sure you let the student finish their answer. I know, easier said than done.  Students often spin a response and/or lie to protect themselves or friends.  Still, before the logical follow up moves, listen to their entire response.  Again, when you know the answer to the question before you ask, patience and calm is key and very difficult. 

• Set the table. If you know the conversation you are about to have with a student is going to be difficult, say so at the beginning.  Statements like... 

"We need to have a conversation about your homework (just picked a difficult topic). We have talked about this a number of times and has led to a few arguments.  I believe neither of us wish to have an argument.  So, even though it may be difficult, I want to hear what you have to say and see if we can have a calm discussion about what we can do to improve the situation."

         ...can really lower stress levels and set positive expectations for the conversation and outcomes.

• Use a "cheat sheet."  Before having a difficult conversation with your student and to assure you have your questions and information you wish to share prepared, write it down. Often, when the listening stops and the powerful "I" begins to surface,  it is because our emotions take us off script.  When this happens, the logical next step for parents/adults is to take an authoritative stance and take control.  

Communication is difficult in the best of situations.  I can tell you from personal experience that the powerful "I" reactions have surfaced on more than one occasion in my relationships with teenagers.  Don't give up.  Keep practicing those listening and talking (lecturing) skills.

ONE of My Parenting Flaws

Let me share one of my favorite concepts in working with people (parenting, teaching, youth-pasturing).

Non-Anxious Presence: The ability to remain calm when the situation and/or person you are interacting with has lost or losing their calm.  (This is a very condensed definition, gathered from a lot of sources and a key element in the concept of self-differentiation). 

As an adult, working with people and other people's students, I do a pretty good job of non-anxious presence-ing. 

As a parent, when it is my own people and student, my non-anxious presence-ing needs a little work. 

Anybody with me out here?

There is something about your own people and student that ramps up the anxiety levels.  Even so, if not managed, one will parent out of fear and rigidness instead of confidence and flexibility. 

So, if you are like me and need help with your non-anxious presence parenting skill, try one of these. 

• Let Emotions Settle.  Before entering into a potentially heated conversation with your student, take a break, breath deep and settle.  Yes, there are emergencies, but most difficult conversations can wait until both parent and student emotions settle.
• Make and Have a Plan.  Before the conversation, talk with your spouse (or trusted adult) about the situation and brainstorm ideas for engagement.  Emotions can quickly escalate in the simplest of conversations. Have a plan.
• Take a Break.  The first two suggestions are easier done when NOT in the middle of a tense (nice word for arguing) moment.  If you find yourself in an emotional battle with your student, no one wins and things can be said that damage a relationship (remember fear and rigidness replaces confidence and flexibility in parenting when anxiety level rise ).  Take a break.  Develop a code word for either you or your student to say in order to withdraw and let the emotions settle.   With that in mind, remember that a break does not mean avoidance of conversation!

I hope you enjoyed a look into ONE of my parenting flaws.  Now, let's all breath deep...let it out...and get back to confident and flexible parenting.